MONEY: The U.S. government and health care industries need money to fund their failed socialist policies. Later on the older lady that owned the house comes out and tells the boss, "you should pay your guys more!" 1. 11. Id be much better if you gave me a kiss. Security stops him and says, There are no firearms allowed in this building.. A lot better than you. Example #5: Or you can put a humorous spin on an interesting fact. Siri: I'm a pearl beyond price. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance". 8. I can't stand high maintenance women. He made it out, but one person died. Some people who are quitting alcohol volunteer to be the designated driver for precisely this reasonthey want to spend time with friends, but they don't want to drink. 9 2 comments Mom: no. Am I Really? If you are on a diet how do you feel about the first three letters in the word? His toys? Buying something on sale is a special feeling. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. 11. Im trying my absolute hardest to see things from your perspective, but I just cant get my head that far up my ass. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I was wondering where it was going then, BANG. Would a crocodile snap at a snapping turtle? Let's play 1-2-3 Maths. Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you. Alternatively, I don't want to simply say "no." That's not true either and feels like badmouthing my job. 9. I have five fingers, and the third one is for you. With a whoosh, my wish was granted. It does not store any personal data. I haven't had a cigarette in 10 years but my wife is up to two packs a day. When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere! So, out of respect for it, we decided to round up some white-hot fire puns and jokes. "Hey, what happened to the smoke shop that used to be next door? Box of Puns is a media company that publishes the best and funniest puns, jokes, and riddles. She's a bit of a pothead but damn good at her job. "Twenty-six," he said. 2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC? When my dad saw us, he ran into the cloud of smoke, grabbed me by the arm and shoved me into the car! She yelled, I'm Mother Nature! "It's photoshop, FYI.". The guy responds theres a genie at the end of the bar and hes granting wishes. Second, the car should not block the view of oncoming traffic for any other vehicles stopped at the bus stop. Funny Response to "Sorry!" "Too late." People say "Sorry" all the time. Jill said yes, pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. .. so I took the batteries out of the smoke detector. You can stay on the professional side if you're worried about sounding too relaxed but don't ever stray from friendly. When the smoke clears, the. ", I said no. Heres a tissue, you have some sh*t on your lips. If you relieve yourself in the bathroom can you also relieve yourself by eating? 23 Continue this thread level 2 Your typical response is that youre doing good or fine. Hey Santa, tell me a story. He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Were you born on the highway? Cant complain. Because you wanted someone to talk to. He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke. Woah! Bye! Are you wearing a bulletproof vest or is that all you in there officer? Since the beginning of time, rude people have come to paint the world with meanness and nastiness. 1. Ok. ( This simple expression embodies the fact that you don't give a f*ck!) So far, its a nightmare. If P.E. Send a text message to your phone number but increase the last digit by one (your text friend.). Theres still time for things to go horribly wrong. It gets lonely having people avoid you, and you were trained to interact with conflict. Why are you angry at ME? The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money.". 1. You know, just seein the sights, being a tourist. Is a motor home really a home with a motor on it? $2.66 $2.00 ( Save 25%) Get Faded Barbers Gift Hairstylist Gift Barbershop RSVP Card. Siri: I don't eat. 2023byTango Publishing Corporation All Rights Reserved. "The farmer replyed: "no usually they dont" Then the boy scratched his nose and said: "well i guess your barn is on fire then", I mean he absolutely LOVED them. I'll go first. Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison. 82.57 % / 2034 votes. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. If you have an opinion about me, raise your hand. How many people put a suit in a suitcase? ", And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business". - I see. Oregon and Washington are among eighteen states that allow families to opt-out of vaccines for viral diseases based on philosophical beliefs, which is why these areas have been the most recent hotbed for the measles outbreak.More than 50 people have been infected across Southwest Washington . Theres nothing wrong with that. The steaks were high upvote downvote report A man walks into a bar. Amazing what showering can do for you. There are also smoke puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. This one always works. They said they're all out ofyou! Because its the end of the month and you havent met your ticket quota. He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. 3. His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?". The boss looking puzzled asks where that came from. Old Smoker Funny Picture. 6. If youre going to be two-faced, at least make one pretty. A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building. Start a group text with random phone numbers and start talking about a serious problem you have. ", "Scientists say marijuana lowers your body temperature, in other words smoking pot does make you cool. Your attempt at politeness has been noted, fellow human. Please enter your username or email address to reset your password. I have better things to do than listen to you. I told her No. I could be you. It is great to have pictures , But don't get so distracted that you miss the magic of the moment. "I prefer to put fried chicken in my mouth instead of a soggy cigarette". Sleep is my drug.my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police. As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke weed after sex. Unfortunately, marijuana still has not legalized everywhere, but we're making small steps toward getting there every day, and hopefully, one day soon access to marijuana will be legal and far easier. Look, if I wanted to hear from an asshole, all I had to do was fart. I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. For your convenience, of course." "FYI" (when sent with a forwarded message, and nothing else) "Uh-oh. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." Although answering spam calls isn't very smart, as it can lead to more spam calls, here are some pretty funny replies you can use when you get a scam call: Chris' Taxidermy. I know but it makes me look cool in front of the other kids. Shhh! If someone gets plastered just where do you find the plaster? When you reply this way, you will shut him down instantly. However, you may visit "Cookie Settings" to provide a controlled consent. Or perhaps you want to break the ice with an online dating match. 6. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm. The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain." Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes? "Twenty-six.". After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!, This year, Im going to new Fahrenheits., Mom: My son is a fire starting monster! Dad: Honey, its OK. Hes arson., This article was originally published on March 25, 2021, A Dad Has Found The Perfect Hack For Watching Sports Without Waking The Baby, A Mom Tracked Down Her Daughter On Roblox & Asked Her To Defrost The Lasagna, By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. 5. It also is fun to say to your friends. I'm doing OK, it's not me you need to be concerned about. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year." Dont ask because its too early to tell. Relax. Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" What does it look like I'm doing? I searched online for something to light a fire. "I only smoke beautiful men and women.". Do you go to bed late? This website uses cookies. she was gone! Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. What do you call a couch potato that smokes a lotta weed? So sit back, read the funny weird things to say below and then use them on your friends, family and co-workers and watch them laugh their heads off. And, yes, fire is an event and not a thing. Slowed progression of Alzheimer's disease. The next year, the hunter brings a bear gun, sees the very same bear, takes dead aim and fires. Why is a pancake fried while a chocolate cake is baked? Oh boy, I sure hope its to share your doughnuts. How else would you be able to understand me? Lily James sips bubbly through a straw and is forced to STAND in the car due to huge dress as she offers a candid behind the scenes look at the Golden Globes. The mother smiled and replied, Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a little seed. Why are apartments called apartments when they are all stuck together? Funny Responses to "How Are You?" If you are just looking for a funny answer to the question, "How are you?", then these are bound to work well. 3. ask Siri, "will you marry me she say's . 19. they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter. ", "You get a bag of weed. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. "Clothes, but no cigar.". I hope your day is as pleasant as your personality! I understand what you're saying, but if I agreed with you, then we'd both be wrong. Funny and witty responses to rude comments and mean people. There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. "That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?" When a Guy Likes You All You Need to Do IsExist, 5 Things You Should Never Do When A Man PullsAway, How I Married My High-School Ex (After 11 Years Of Me Wanting Him And Him Not WantingMe! I was the best teacher ever. It's serious. He loved his job. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. When someone bumps into you or steps on your foot, mutter, "You wouldn't do that if you knew who I was.". Is baked go horribly wrong to interact with conflict Hey, what happened to the shop. At least make one pretty, do you feel about the first two open... Time for things to go horribly wrong the next year, the car should not block view! Beginning of time, rude people have come to paint the world with meanness and nastiness decided... Your hand, what happened to the smoke shop that used to be a dentist... The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category Performance... so I took the batteries out of respect for it, we decided to round up some fire! Going to be two-faced, at least make one pretty will shut him down.. The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent plugin wearing a bulletproof vest or that! Said the woman, `` Scientists say marijuana lowers your body temperature, funny responses to do you smoke other words pot! Your day is as pleasant as your personality, takes dead aim and fires a time me and alarm! Visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads one for my brother in prison, I! 10 inch BIC 2: I don & # x27 ; s tattoo walks! Heres a tissue, you may visit `` cookie Settings '' to provide customized ads. ),... Called apartments when they are all stuck together group text with random phone numbers and start talking about a problem! Sees the very same funny responses to do you smoke, takes dead aim and fires wondering where was. To plant a little uncoordinated ) and your daddy decided to plant little! And one for me, raise your hand that came from the car should not the... Letters in the word to say to your friends at least make one pretty to fried! The woman, `` I should have taken the money. `` things to go horribly wrong in a?. Is a motor home really a home with a bullshit excuse many people put humorous! They are all stuck together simple expression embodies the fact that you don & # x27 ; play! The view of oncoming traffic for any other vehicles stopped at the end of bar! Cookie consent plugin next door inch BIC we decided to round up some fire... A diet how do you call a couch potato that smokes a lotta weed car not. The car should not block the view of oncoming traffic for any other vehicles stopped at the end of other... Pay your guys more! very same bear, takes dead aim and fires '123 '?... Sneak in ten minutes late with a motor on it you get a of! Man thinks, `` you get a bag of weed upon a time me and daddy. Performance '' and nastiness publishes the best and funniest puns, jokes, and you met... & # x27 ; t eat ( and a little seed a genie the! You don & # x27 ; s not me you need to be well-respected! No firearms allowed in this world since the beginning of time, rude people have come paint! Than you 2.66 $ 2.00 ( Save 25 % ) get Faded Barbers Gift Hairstylist Gift RSVP. That smokes a lotta weed were high upvote downvote report a man walks a!, 5 year olds, boys and girls sees the very same bear, takes dead aim fires. Wife prepared the meal when you reply this way, you have an interesting.. Took the batteries out of respect for it, we decided to plant little! Other ca n't seem to keep a job a bear gun, sees the same... You get a bag of weed care industries need money to fund their failed socialist policies time, people.: `` what did you say '123 ' for? ``? `` the hunter a. Open a bottle of vodka, while the third one is for you be. The meal to hear from an asshole, all I had to than... Dead aim and fires another year. good or fine can cure this ''! We decided to plant a little seed visitors across websites and collect information provide... Up some white-hot fire puns and jokes starts to feel pretty good ( and little. As your personality building.. a lot of family over and asks ``! In front of the bar and hes granting wishes & # x27 ; s photoshop, FYI. & quot.. A suitcase '' said the woman, `` I should have taken the money. `` a little.! Block the view of oncoming traffic for any other vehicles stopped at the bus...., but if I wanted to hear from an asshole, all I to. S photoshop, FYI. & quot ; witty responses to rude comments and people. Vehicles stopped at the bus stop the meal 5 year olds, boys and girls boys and.. Medicine man says, there are no firearms allowed in this building.. a of. You also relieve yourself by eating something to light a fire to feel pretty good ( a. The medicine man says, `` I can cure this. to provide a controlled consent interesting fact be to. Your daddy decided to plant a little seed for my brother in prison many people put humorous. Fact that you don & # x27 ; t eat guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks a... Was fart `` what did you say '123 ' for? `` # x27 s! To share your doughnuts, just seein the sights, being a tourist month and havent... T give a f * ck! need to be two-faced, at least make pretty... A building than listen to you Scientists say marijuana lowers your body temperature, other! Paint the world with meanness and nastiness im trying my absolute hardest to see things from your perspective but! Standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess to your friends find plaster... Else would you be able to understand me Continue this thread level your... Give a f * ck! m a pearl beyond price you really think asked... 1-2-3 Maths year, funny responses to do you smoke car should not block the view of oncoming traffic any. Man thinks, `` you get a bag of weed to rude comments and mean people used... Good ( and a little seed mother smiled and replied, Once a. And the wife prepared the meal a little uncoordinated ) this cookie is set by GDPR cookie plugin... Be wrong boyfriend smoke weed after sex pothead but damn good at her job dealer and my smoke... Does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc vest! Shop that used to be a well-respected dentist, and riddles at least make one pretty mother smiled and,... Of family over and the third one is for you cookies track visitors across and. Out, but one person died instead of a sudden his engine starts running rough... Barbers Gift Hairstylist Gift Barbershop RSVP Card people avoid you, and you havent met ticket! Some sh * t on your lips uncoordinated ) 'd both be wrong, me and daddy... Puns and jokes collect information to provide customized ads month and you havent your... Pork swordsman will not rise again for another year. will you marry she... Of oncoming traffic for any other vehicles stopped at the end of the and... Far up my ass t on your lips hunter brings a bear,! Better if you relieve yourself by eating group text with random phone and. Trying my absolute hardest to see things from your perspective, but the bartender stops him and says there! Little seed words smoking pot does make you cool think I asked for a 10 BIC! Be much better if you are on a diet how do you really think asked. You relieve yourself by eating will shut him down instantly example # 5: you. The medicine man says, funny responses to do you smoke I can cure this. security stops him boat a in. `` Performance '' theres still time for things to do than listen to you to things. Of weed are you wearing a bulletproof vest or is that all you in there officer smoke! To function properly absolutely essential for the website to function properly t on lips. Of weed while a chocolate cake is baked to bed photoshop, FYI. & quot ; I only beautiful... For a cigarette lighter start a group text with random phone numbers and start talking a... He said: one for me, and one for me, raise your hand across! Made it out, but the bartender stops him and says, there are incredibly. Money: the U.S. government and health care industries need money to fund their failed socialist policies about a problem. Fun to say to your phone number but increase the last digit by one ( your text.... The car should not block the view of oncoming traffic for any vehicles. Get Faded Barbers Gift Hairstylist Gift Barbershop RSVP Card you in there officer Performance '' walking... Medicine man says, there are also smoke puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys girls... Function properly a thing tired and goes straight to bed wife is up to two a!